


Let The Light In

by Antigone69



Series: Let The Light In [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical discussion of rape, Canon-Typical discussion of violence, Coming Out, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Secretly Married
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2019-01-22 01:05:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12470056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antigone69/pseuds/Antigone69
Summary: Sonny and Rafael got together young, got married long before Sonny joined the Manhattan SVU. Sonny always wanted to keep it a secret.  What happens when Sonny gets hurt on the job?





	Let The Light In

It was Sonny’s idea not to tell anybody. 

Rafael thought it was ridiculous. 

The first time Sonny brought it up, over dinner about a week before his first day at Manhattan SVU, Rafael rolled his eyes. 

“So I’m just supposed to act like I’ve never met you? Come on, even Amaro isn’t that dense. They’re detectives, Sonny, they’ll see through it in a second.”

“No they won’t. You’ve worked with them for years and never mentioned you’re married, why would they suddenly assume?” 

Rafael rolled his eyes again. 

“What’s the point of this, anyway?” 

“Raf, come on, if they knew they would all assume I got the job because of you.”

“You are perfectly qualified and suited to working in SVU,” Rafael said, a hint of defensiveness seeping into his voice.

The fact that Rafael got defensive over him still floored Sonny, even though they’d been together for fifteen years. 

“You know that, Raf, I know that, 1PP knows that. But you know how I am—first impressions aren’t my strong suit. They meet me, they’re annoyed, they find out we’re married—they jump to conclusions.”

Rafael had to admit he had a point. He himself had been utterly charmed by Sonny since the first second he laid eyes on him, bright and earnest and _everything_ , but he knew other people had a hard time coping with all the enthusiasm. 

Rafael sighed. He didn’t like it. It felt too much like hiding. He thought they had passed that part of their relationship, thank you very much.  

Sonny had been 22 when they started dating, and his parents were very Catholic. They would not have been crazy about their only son shacking up with a Cuban man, even if he was a promising lawyer with an exciting career ahead of him. 

Rafael had hated that time in their life. He had come out to his mother when he was seventeen. It was the 80s, and it was difficult, but he got so lucky with his mother and his Abuelita. His father was a different story, but he survived. 

Sonny’s family were not like Rafael’s. On their third date Sonny looked down at his plate and whispered that he wasn’t out, explained about the Italian thing and the Catholic thing and the Staten thing, and apologized and said that he understood that Raf might not want to see him again, but that he didn’t _live_ with his parents, and he was out to his roommates, and he really liked Rafael, and Rafael had to kiss him to stop him from talking himself into a panic attack. 

Rafael hated hiding then and he hated hiding now. Just like then, though, if it was what Sonny needed, he would do anything. 

And so they pretended not know each other. Rafael gently bullied Sonny, Sonny never stopped trying to impress him. It was a private joke, a way they could be close to one another without giving themselves away. 

Rafael knew that everybody thought he hated Sonny. He asked Sonny about it one night after Olivia told him to go easy on her new detective. Rafael had rolled his eyes and said he would try, but it worried him. He knew Sonny liked their covert flirting, but Rafael didn’t want people to think he hated his husband. 

“I don’t mind, Raf. They don’t know us. We know us. That’s all that I care about. Just like always,” he said, with a smile so brilliant that Rafael had no choice but to kiss him. 

They kept up this charade for years. Sonny shadowed him on some cases. Rafael was so proud when Sonny passed the bar he could have cried. They got some knowing looks and some raised eyebrows—Sonny said that Amanda and Finn teased him almost constantly about flirting with Rafael. “Oh, Rafael” earned Sonny a surprised look from Liv, and Finn and Amanda started calling Sonny “Detective Yummy”. Nobody suspected a thing, though.

Rafael still didn’t like it. He still hated hiding. They fought about it more than once, over the years. It all came to a head when a new uni started aggressively flirting with Sonny, every chance he got. Rafael wasn’t jealous, per se—he knew Sonny would never even think about cheating him, it wouldn’t even cross his mind. But he didn’t trust cops. At least not cops that weren’t Liv or Sonny, and he knew that beat cop wouldn’t _dare_ come on to the husband of Manhattans scariest ADA.

“Sonny, they know, by now, that you are good at your job. Why can’t we just—“

“Raf, its easy for you, you’ve been out for twice as long as you _weren’t_ out. It’s been less than ten years for me, okay, I’m working up to it—“

“How long do you need to work up to it? It’s been years!”

“It’s not that easy!”

“Come on, Sonny, if you could come out to your mother you can come out to them—“

“You don’t get it, Rafael!”

“No! I don’t! Explain it to me! That’s why I keep asking!”

Sonny sighed and sat down on the couch.

“I’ve told you this a million times, Raf. Catholicism fucks you up.”

Rafael gaped.

“Still?” He didn’t mean to sound dismissive, but he was truly baffled.

Sonny glared at him.

“No, I didn’t mean—your timeline is your timeline. I’m just surprised I thought—I mean, it’s been fifteen years…” Rafael trailed off. He tried not to feel like this was about him. He knew Sonny loved him. He knew Sonny was happy. But he thought they had gotten over the dirty little secret thing several years ago.

Rafael knew, and loved, Sonny’s family. Bella’s kids called him Uncle Rafi. He had taken them to go see The Lion King last week. Rafael and his mother-in-law shared recipes; he and Sonny’s dad shared scotch recommendations. Rafael was part of the Carisi family, no matter how rough their start was.

So why was telling their colleagues so difficult?

“Are you…I can’t believe I’m asking this, after we’ve been married for seven years, Sonny, but are you still ashamed to be gay?”

Sonny snorted, but he didn’t say anything.

He knew Sonny had always struggled with the internalized homophobia. Sonny had told him about the hours he spent in confession, on his knees at church, praying for God to take this ‘burden’ from him. After the first time they had sex, Sonny had left and stopped returning Rafaels calls for three days. He didn’t call back until Rafael left him a voicemail saying that this was the last time he was going to try, and that Sonny had to make the next move.

Internalized homophobia was why Sonny had wanted to become a priest. Nobody could question why he wasn’t married.

It was also why Sonny became a cop. He had convinced himself that if he helped save enough people, it would make up for his “sinful lifestyle”.

He had mostly gotten over all of this before they got married—he told Rafael he didn’t want to go into it with any hesitation. He wanted to give himself to his husband completely, fully, and he had. But Rafael could still see the pain in his eyes, sometimes, when they walked by a priest or a Catholic church, or someone glared at them holding hands in the street.

Rafael had long ago given up any hope of taking away all of Sonny’s guilt, contenting himself instead with just loving Sonny and doing everything in his power to make his husband the happiest man on earth.

Rafael sat down next to Sonny and took his hand. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t push him. He just held his husband’s hand, running his thumb over the back of his hand, and waited. Sonny would talk when he was ready.

“I’m not ashamed of being gay,” was the first thing out of Sonny’s mouth in several minutes. Rafael hummed, but didn’t say anything.

“I’m really not. I’ve made my peace with my family, and with God. They’re the ones that matter. I couldn’t care less what anybody else thinks of me. It’s not that.”

Sonny took another shuddering breath. Rafael pressed a soft kiss to his husband’s temple.

“I just…being a gay cop is _so hard._ Even in Manhattan, even in 2017. And I meant what I said, when I first started; it wasn’t that I didn’t want to come out; it was really the stuff about how I got this job. But the longer I waited, the harder it became, and then that case a few months ago…”

Rafael knew what Sonny was talking about. He hadn’t prosecuted it, but Sonny had told him about it. A cop had raped his partner and then murdered her when he found out she was gay. Sonny came home and cried every day until they had caught the bastard and put him away.

“Sonny, that was…fucked up. We both know that. But we also both know that your squad are _not_ like that.”

Sonny sighed, but finally looked up at Rafi. He looked wrecked, again, still, but determined.

“I want to come out at work, Rafael. At least to Amanda and Finn and the Lieu. But just…not yet? Just give me a few more weeks,” he pled. Rafael nodded, and pressed a kiss to Sonny’s frown, smiling as he felt the frown soften into a grin.

As it turned out, they didn’t have a few weeks. The next day, Rafael and Olivia were walking to Liv’s car from the courthouse, on their way to meet with a witness, when Rafael got a phone call from a number he didn’t recognize.

“Barba,” he said, answering it.

“Is this Rafael Barba?”

“This is he, who is calling?”

“Sir I’m calling from Mount Sinai, are you Dominick Carisi’s husband?”

“I am, what is this about?” Rafael asked curtly, his heart hammering in his throat. Why would the hospital call him instead of Sonny calling himself, unless—

“Sir, your husband has been shot—“

“I’ll be there in half an hour,” Rafael said, hanging up, not bothering—not able—to listen to the rest of what she had to say. He looked up and saw Olivia’s concerned look.

“Everything okay, Counselor?” she asked.

“Yes. Son--Carisi’s been shot. He’s at Mt. Sinai. I’m texting the witness to reschedule, can you drive?” He was already texting the witness, letting her know an emergency had come up and taking a rain check.

“Shot? He was meeting with—“ she cut herself off, comprehension dawning on her face.

“He was meeting with the victims brother. Who must have also been the perp.”

Rafael couldn’t care less about the case at this moment, but he let Olivia talk to him about it on the way to the hospital, if only to avoid the question of why the hospital would call _him_ and not her, or Carisi’s family.

She broke several speed limits to get there, and Rafael didn’t even wait till she had turned off the car before he got out and ran in without her.

“I’m looking for a cop that was just brought in with a gunshot wound, Dominick Carisi—“

“Are you a cop too? Can I see some ID?”

“No, I’m a lawyer, but—“

“Are you family?”

“Yes, my name is Rafael Barba, I’m his husband,” he said, breathlessly. The nurse at the front desk pointed him in the right direction. He turned to follow her finger, but he caught sight of Olivia out of the corner of his eye, gaping at him.

She must have been closer behind than he thought.

“Go, hurry, but don’t think you’re getting out of talking about this,” she said, a look on her face half laughter and half terror.

Rafael ran to the room number the nurse had given him, and burst in.

He saw Sonny sitting shirtless on the hospital bed, long legs dangling over the edge, toes barely skimming the ground. There was a bandage around his arm, and another one on his side, but there was no more blood, and as soon as he saw Rafael a blinding smile took over his face.

Rafael let out a breath he felt like he’d been holding since he got that phone call twenty minutes ago.

“I’m so sorry, Liv found out, I was with her when they called me, I…“ Rafael literally talked for a living, why couldn’t he think of anything better to say to his husband who had just been shot?

Sonny looked worried for a moment, but shrugged, and his smile came back.

“It’s fine. I was gonna tell her soon, anyway, and she’s your friend—“

Rafael didn’t get to hear the end of what Sonny was going to say, because in two swift strides he was across the room, kissing his husband for all he was worth. He held Sonny’s face gently in both hands, sucking his soft bottom lip between his teeth. Sonny moaned quietly into Rafael’s mouth and Rafael moved one hand from his husbands jaw to his bare chest, needing to feel his heart beating.

“Are you okay? What happened?” he asked, breathlessly, pulling back to rest his forehead against Sonny’s. He ran his hands all over Sonny, his fingers ghosting over the bandages, checking to make sure everything was where it should be. He squeezed Sonny’s ass playfully, to make Sonny smile, (which it did), but still couldn’t shake the concern and terror that had settled in his bones.

“I was meeting with a witness—well, we thought he was a witness, turns out he was the bad guy all along,” Sonny said with a shrug. Rafael would never be okay with how cavalier Sonny was about his own safety.

“And what? He just shot you with no preamble? ‘Hey, I’m Detective Carisi’, bang?” Rafael was getting worked up now. This happened every time Sonny got shot.

And don’t think Rafael didn’t truly and fully hate that Sonny got shot often enough that they had a routine.

“Baby, come on, it wouldn’t be the first time someone wanted to shoot me as soon as they met me.”

“What. Happened.” Rafael ground out. Sonny knew his husband wasn’t angry with him, he knew what Rafael really meant was “what asshole am I going to prosecute to within an inch of his life”. Even though they both knew that Rafael would have to recuse himself from this one.

“Uh, I started asking him questions, he was being vague, I asked to use the bathroom. I glanced into the bedroom and found the curtain rod used to rape and beat the girl—she had bruising in the same pattern on her thighs and stomach. I came back and he had the gun out.”

Rafael’s knees were weak. He was so proud of Sonny for what he did, would never not think Sonny was the bravest and kindest and best person on earth. None of that meant he didn’t hate his husband’s job with every fiber of his being.

“What did the doctors say about…this?” He asked, gesturing to Sonny’s bandages.

“The one in my side was just a graze, thank goodness. Didn’t even hit my ribs, didn’t come close to my lungs. The one in my arm missed the major blood vessels, but I’m gonna be out of commission for a while.”

Rafael took a deep breath. Sonny was fine. He was going to be fine.

They sat like that, Sonny sitting up in his hospital bed, Rafael resting his hands on Sonny’s thighs, without speaking for a few moments.  
            “You know, this kind of thing wouldn’t happen to you if you started practicing law, Detective.”

Sonny threw his head back and laughed, his laughter only a little shallower than normal thanks to the bullet wound in his side.

“Remind me, Counselor, which one of us was getting death threats for the better part of a year?”

“Remind me, Detective, which one of us gets shot at on a regular basis?”

“Please tell me you two don’t call each other ‘Detective’ and ‘Counselor’ at home,” Olivia’s voice came from the door. Rafael looked over his shoulder and saw her leaning against the doorframe, a soft smile on her face. The smile she wore whenever she saw her friends happy. Rafael smiled back.

“Only in bed, Lieutenant,” Sonny joked, and Rafael dropped his face to his hand. Olivia threw back her head and laughed, while Rafael counted to ten and reminded himself that he couldn’t sue his husband for embarrassing him.

Olivia stepped into the room and took the seat next to the bed.

“So, how long has this been going on under my nose?”

“Fifteen years,” Rafael said, having recovered from his embarrassment.

Olivia looked taken aback. She clearly hadn’t expected that.

“Wait a minute. The whole time Carisi has been at SVU, you two have been married?”

Sonny nodded.

“And you didn’t tell us?”

“Clearly,” Rafael deadpanned.

“Why…when were you planning on telling us?”

Rafael looked at Sonny. Sonny shrugged.

“Soon.”

Rafael could tell Olivia wanted to ask more questions, but thought better of it.

“Listen, Lieu, uh. I don’t know if you, uh…Dodds and 1PP already know, and the DA knows, it’s all above board, but I would appreciate it if you would, uh…let me tell the rest of the squad on my own time,” Sonny said, looking down at his lap. Rafael squeezed his husband’s thigh, offering silent reassurance.

“Of course, Sonny. It’s up to you,” she said kindly.

Sonny beamed at the use of his nickname. Rafael knew Sonny would never admit it (not that he needed to, because it was painfully obvious), but he craved Olivia’s approval.

“Well, I’m glad you’re okay, Carisi, but I gotta get going, we’re still looking for the asshole that did this to you,” Olivia said, standing up.

“Ill walk you out,” Rafael said. He could tell Olivia was bursting with questions she didn’t think were appropriate to ask in front of her subordinate.

Sonny squeezed his hand.

“I’ll be back in a few,” Rafael said softly, pressing a gentle kiss to Sonny’s forehead. He pointedly ignored Olivia’s smile when he turned to the door, and walked right past her into the hallway.

“So…fifteen years?” she asked when she caught up with him.

Rafael nodded.

“Why the secrecy?”

Rafael sighed.

“Sonny didn’t want you all to think he got the job because of me. Which he didn’t, by the way,” he added, shooting a pointed look at Olivia. She just nodded.

“I know. He’s good at what he does. And you would never recommend someone for a job he wasn’t suited to.”

“I didn’t recommend him at all. He got the job all by himself.”

Olivia nodded calmly.

“So…all those times I let him off early to go ‘shadow’ you for law school…?”

Rafael laughed.  
            “He really was shadowing me. He was preparing for the bar. Which he passed, first try, thank you very much,” Rafael said, proudly.

“I guess being married to a lawyer for fifteen years has its perks.”

“We’ve only been married for seven years, and he passed because he’s smart and capable,” Rafael said, a touch of defensiveness creeping into his tone.

“Hey, Rafael, I know. I didn’t mean anything by it,” Olivia said, placing a hand on his arm.

Rafael sighed, turning to face her as they reached the elevator.

“I know. I’m sorry. Stressful day,” he said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He had to find some coffee.

Olivia hummed and rubbed his shoulder comfortingly.

“He’s safe. He’s himself. He’ll take a few weeks off, he’ll be good as new,” Olivia said. Rafael nodded, and smiled at her.

“Thank you,” he said.

“Of course,” she said, before stepping onto the elevator.

When Rafael got back to Sonny’s hospital room, there was a doctor with him.

“Dr. Roberts, this is my husband, Rafael.”

“Nice to meet you, Doctor,” Rafael said, shaking his hands.

“I was just explaining to Dominick how to clean and re-dress his wounds—he can explain it to you later, I’m sure you’re eager to get out of here. Any other questions?” Dr. Roberts asked, taking her latex gloves off as Sonny put his shirt back on.

“Yeah, Doc, how long until I can resume, uh…strenuous activities,” Sonny asked, wiggling his eyebrows at Rafael. Rafael rolled his eyes, but looked at the Doctor intently all the same. He wanted to know the answer, too.

“I’m going to defer to you on that, Detective. Don’t put any pressure on your arm, no heavy lifting, but your lungs are okay. If it doesn’t hurt, you should be fine.”

Carisi smiled at her, the same earnest smile he gave everybody, and thanked her as she walked out the door.

Sonny held the door to their apartment open for Rafael, because Rafael was carrying all of his things _as well as_ all of Sonny’s things. Sonny insisted he was fine, that he had one functioning arm, at least, but Rafael insisted.

Rafael knew that Sonny could tell he was still shaken. This happened every time Sonny was hurt on the job—Rafael was protective and full of righteous fury until he was sure Sonny was okay, and then all the fight went out of him. The adrenaline that hit him whenever he learned that somebody had _hurt Sonny_ left his system and all that was left was residual terror and a clinginess that was very out of character for Rafael.

“I’m gonna go shower, I still smell like hospital. Are you gonna be okay?” Sonny said, bringing his hand to Rafael’s face and peering into his eyes earnestly.

“I’ll be fine. I’m gonna have a drink, do you want anything?”

Sonny shook his head.

“Can’t drink on my pain meds. Will you order some food? I need to take another pill in a couple of hours and I’d like to have something else in me first.”

Rafael normally would have made a joke about something else that could go in Sonny, but instead he just nodded. Sonny pressed a soft kiss to Rafael’s lips and pulled his shirt off as he walked into the bathroom.

The sound of the shower turning on rang through their apartment and Rafael let out a deep breath. He poured himself two fingers of scotch (three fingers) and made his way to the bedroom.

Rafael changed into pajama pants and an old Fordham law t-shirt, which he pulled out of the dirty laundry basket because it still smelled like Sonny. He brought his scotch to the bedside table and climbed in bed. It was only 3 o’clock but he knew Sonny would be exhausted, and Rafael wasn’t about to let his husband out of his site. He sat in bed and pulled up Seamless on his phone, ordering pad thai for both of them.

Rafael heard the shower shut off and a few moments later Sonny stepped into their bedroom, towel around his waist, another one in his hands as he dried his hair off.

“Pad Thai is on its way,” Rafael said. Sonny murmured his thanks as he walked into the closet, emerging a moment later in a pair of boxers and a worn Harvard hoodie.

“Come here?” Rafael asked, putting his scotch and his phone on the nightstand, and reaching for Sonny. Sonny climbed onto their bed and settled into Rafael’s arms, pressing his nose into his husband’s neck and inhaling deeply.

“I’m okay, Rafi. I’m fine. I’m safe. Barely anything happened,” he whispered against Rafael’s throat.

“Sonny, you got _shot_ ,” Rafael said, his voice sounding raw and open and wrecked. Rafael hardly ever sounded like this, and Sonny hated it.

“I know, baby, I know, but I’m fine.”

“But what if next time you’re not?”

They had this conversation every time. Rafael wasn’t asking because he needed an answer, he was asking because he needed reassurance.

“What if next time you actually get seriously hurt and I have to explain to our colleagues—to our _friends_ —that we’re married while I wait for to find out if you’re still alive?”

Sonny stilled. He hadn’t thought of that. This was the first time he had gotten hurt since they started working together.

In the past, when Sonny got shot, Rafael could call out of work citing a “family emergency”, maybe mentioning his husband, if he was in the presence of friends. Now, he couldn’t just rush to his anonymous husband’s side, because their coworkers would be there, too.

“Rafael…”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…this isn’t about me, I’m sorry, don’t worry about me. I’m so relieved you’re safe. I’m sorry about Liv finding out.” Rafael’s arms tightened around Sonny as he spoke, but still careful not to hurt him.

“I’m going to tell them. Soon. Tomorrow. I had already decided that before this shit went down.”

Rafael looked down at him.

“I love you,” he said simply. Sonny smiled. It was his best smile, Rafael’s favourite smile, with his dimples on display and his eyes sparkling.

“I love you too, Raf. Always will,” Sonny said, kissing his husband softly.

The doorbell rang.

“That’s the food, I’ll get that. You stay here. We’re eating in bed--I don’t care about your Egyptian cotton right now, Rafael--and then we’re going to watch bad daytime TV until we fall asleep,” Sonny said in a tone that would tolerate no argument. Rafael smiled as he watched his husband leave the room. Frankly, that sounded like the best possible way to spend the afternoon.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Brave by Sara Bareilles.
> 
> I was thinking this would lend itself well to being a series? You know, different snapshots of stuff that has happened to Sonny or Rafael, through the lens of them being secretly married. Thoughts? 
> 
> also this is VERY unedited so if i made any grammar or editing mistakes let me know lmao


End file.
